I laid there, as motionless as I could.
I did nothing for I didn't know how long. I didn't cry nor did I speak.
I just stared. Muted all my senses.
As death as I could be, there's no big difference between me and the expressionless wooden marionette that used to lay in the corner of my room with Ms. Bee.
Mommy's gone.
I did nothing for I didn't know how long. I didn't cry nor did I speak.
I just stared. Muted all my senses.
As death as I could be, there's no big difference between me and the expressionless wooden marionette that used to lay in the corner of my room with Ms. Bee.
Mommy's gone.
* * *
I remember how hard I cried at Grandma's funeral last summer.
I remember how everyone was dressed in black, the color that I dislike most. My mom wore black and so did Dad. I remember they forced me to wear a black dress too. I cried at that time, yelling "Grandma" all the time. Wishing she was here. She hated black too, so I knew she wouldn't force me to wear it. But, no matter how hard I yell or how many times I called her, she wouldn't appeared at the door of my room.
Not anymore.
"I want grandma!"
"Ooh.. honey, honey. No, don't cry. Grandma will be sad if she sees you cry."
"I don't care. Where is she? I want her!"
"She's gone, honey. She's going on a journey. A long journey."
"She's not coming back?"
"No. I'm afraid she's not."
"Why? Am I upsetting her? I promise I'll be a good girl."
"No, Izzie honey. You are not upsetting her. She's gone because she must. It's a journey she must take."
I cried till I wore myself out that night. The house seems so empty without the presence of grandma. I cried under my pillow. Wondering how dare she left me. I missed her already. With every tears that rolled through my cheeks, every memory of her flowed away from my memory. Every moment together, her laugh, her sweet lullaby to me, her angry expression to me. It all came out in just one night, and slowly she resided away. Leaving me to sleep.
The next thing I knew, grandma was a vague memory.
I remember how everyone was dressed in black, the color that I dislike most. My mom wore black and so did Dad. I remember they forced me to wear a black dress too. I cried at that time, yelling "Grandma" all the time. Wishing she was here. She hated black too, so I knew she wouldn't force me to wear it. But, no matter how hard I yell or how many times I called her, she wouldn't appeared at the door of my room.
Not anymore.
"I want grandma!"
"Ooh.. honey, honey. No, don't cry. Grandma will be sad if she sees you cry."
"I don't care. Where is she? I want her!"
"She's gone, honey. She's going on a journey. A long journey."
"She's not coming back?"
"No. I'm afraid she's not."
"Why? Am I upsetting her? I promise I'll be a good girl."
"No, Izzie honey. You are not upsetting her. She's gone because she must. It's a journey she must take."
I cried till I wore myself out that night. The house seems so empty without the presence of grandma. I cried under my pillow. Wondering how dare she left me. I missed her already. With every tears that rolled through my cheeks, every memory of her flowed away from my memory. Every moment together, her laugh, her sweet lullaby to me, her angry expression to me. It all came out in just one night, and slowly she resided away. Leaving me to sleep.
The next thing I knew, grandma was a vague memory.
And so, I didn't cry this time. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was afraid.
Afraid that if I cried, mom would say her final goodbye too.
Afraid that if I cried, mom would say her final goodbye too.
* * *
But that night, I heard those sound once again, that loud and deafening sound. I saw those light again.
Darkness seems so overwhelming, I couldn't breathe.
Someone calling my name.
I woke up, screaming.
Judy rushed into the room, running.
And it was at Judy's arms that I finally cried.
(to be continued..)
Darkness seems so overwhelming, I couldn't breathe.
Someone calling my name.
I woke up, screaming.
Judy rushed into the room, running.
And it was at Judy's arms that I finally cried.
(to be continued..)
1 commented
Noel (II)
I should have been feeling numb by now.
I could hardly open my eyes nor that I could move even an inch of my body. All my senses seems to be shutting down.
The worst of my nightmares.
Scared. I began to feel what hell was supposed to like. No light. Only pain and an extraordinary heat that came across my body, burning me up whole. Creepily crawling through every column of my spine, torturing what's left of my numbed senses.
I wanted to scream so badly, but I was voiceless. I wanted to my mom. I wanted her to hug me, rocking me back-and-forth, telling me it's going to be alright. I wanted to see her face, smiling down to me.
Mom.... I started to feel even more numb than before. The extraordinary heat hadn't given up yet on me.
But I had.
I gave my way to the darkness right away.
I could hardly open my eyes nor that I could move even an inch of my body. All my senses seems to be shutting down.
The worst of my nightmares.
Scared. I began to feel what hell was supposed to like. No light. Only pain and an extraordinary heat that came across my body, burning me up whole. Creepily crawling through every column of my spine, torturing what's left of my numbed senses.
I wanted to scream so badly, but I was voiceless. I wanted to my mom. I wanted her to hug me, rocking me back-and-forth, telling me it's going to be alright. I wanted to see her face, smiling down to me.
Mom.... I started to feel even more numb than before. The extraordinary heat hadn't given up yet on me.
But I had.
I gave my way to the darkness right away.
* * *
It seems like forever since the last time I opened the lids of my eyes. I've gave my way to the darkness, and it never crossed my mind that I would have to crawl back. I didn't feel like escaping and I didn't want to wake up. Not this time.
Grandma used to said this to me, "Never ever give up." And I never gave a second thought about what giving up was like - but now I knew. It's easier to give up rather than fighting and surviving. I've tried to opened the lids of my eyes a several times before, but it was so heavy that I would rather slid into the darkness again.
Eventually, life dragged me. Pushed me from behind.
And it was then, I saw a tiny speck of light. I blinked, slowly closing and opening my eyes. Lights hurt my eyes much more than I could imagine, indicating how long I've been in the pool of darkness.
Vague and blurry silhouette.
"HALLELUJAH!" was the first thing I heard.
The figure became more and more clearer. A fat woman with plump and rosy cheeks. She looked like a Santa Claus to me, but in female form. "Judy? Judy, the child is awake!"
I heard footsteps. "Sssh.. Voice, Marlene, voice. She's just awaken."
Another figure came into the picture. A more slender figure of woman. She looked like one of the angel I used to hang in my Christmas Tree.
Or not. She's too beautiful. The one which I used to hanged was just an ornament, her face was emotionless. The one in front me was like a real goddess. She got a perfect heart-shape face with the clearest green eyes I've ever gazed at. Her dark mahogany hair fell down from her forehead and it curled in a perfect way.
She smiled at me. Who is she?
"Marlene, call Doctor Carter, will you?" She turned to the plump-cheeked woman.
The woman called Marlene just raised her shoulder and she patted me softly, "You're truly an anointed child, my dear. God's graces are upon you."
After that, she was gone.
The goddess smiled at me again. "Welcome back, dear. And Merry Christmas."
I was tired. More tired than the time where I used to spend my time playing with Jane and Mary in the neighborhood playground. Was this how Daddy feels when he came back from work everyday? It's awful.
I closed my eyes. This was the first time I was left alone since a man called Doctor Carter came by and checked every inch of me. Asking me stuff like "How do you feel?" and "Did you feel any pain?"
I didn't answered him though. I just want my mom. I've realized that my mom wasn't by my side since the time I opened my eyes. Where was she? Where's Ms. Bee?
"She suffered, yes, but there's no need to worry about that, Judy."
"But, don't you see that...,"
"Yes, I saw it. I'll try every means to contact each of my friends. See if we can get any help."
"Yes, please try, Doctor."
"It's Carter."
I heard nothing for awhile and Judy came in to the room again. She smiled and walked to me in such a graceful way. I could almost believe that she might be a real goddess that time.
"Are you hungry?"
I didn't answer. Only stared.
She didn't give up. "Are there anything that you want? A glass of water maybe?"
"M..mommy." I finally said. My voice was so dry that it came out as a whisper. A whisper of desperation.
"Where's my mom?"
Grandma used to said this to me, "Never ever give up." And I never gave a second thought about what giving up was like - but now I knew. It's easier to give up rather than fighting and surviving. I've tried to opened the lids of my eyes a several times before, but it was so heavy that I would rather slid into the darkness again.
Eventually, life dragged me. Pushed me from behind.
And it was then, I saw a tiny speck of light. I blinked, slowly closing and opening my eyes. Lights hurt my eyes much more than I could imagine, indicating how long I've been in the pool of darkness.
Vague and blurry silhouette.
"HALLELUJAH!" was the first thing I heard.
The figure became more and more clearer. A fat woman with plump and rosy cheeks. She looked like a Santa Claus to me, but in female form. "Judy? Judy, the child is awake!"
I heard footsteps. "Sssh.. Voice, Marlene, voice. She's just awaken."
Another figure came into the picture. A more slender figure of woman. She looked like one of the angel I used to hang in my Christmas Tree.
Or not. She's too beautiful. The one which I used to hanged was just an ornament, her face was emotionless. The one in front me was like a real goddess. She got a perfect heart-shape face with the clearest green eyes I've ever gazed at. Her dark mahogany hair fell down from her forehead and it curled in a perfect way.
She smiled at me. Who is she?
"Marlene, call Doctor Carter, will you?" She turned to the plump-cheeked woman.
The woman called Marlene just raised her shoulder and she patted me softly, "You're truly an anointed child, my dear. God's graces are upon you."
After that, she was gone.
The goddess smiled at me again. "Welcome back, dear. And Merry Christmas."
* * *
I was tired. More tired than the time where I used to spend my time playing with Jane and Mary in the neighborhood playground. Was this how Daddy feels when he came back from work everyday? It's awful.
I closed my eyes. This was the first time I was left alone since a man called Doctor Carter came by and checked every inch of me. Asking me stuff like "How do you feel?" and "Did you feel any pain?"
I didn't answered him though. I just want my mom. I've realized that my mom wasn't by my side since the time I opened my eyes. Where was she? Where's Ms. Bee?
"She suffered, yes, but there's no need to worry about that, Judy."
"But, don't you see that...,"
"Yes, I saw it. I'll try every means to contact each of my friends. See if we can get any help."
"Yes, please try, Doctor."
"It's Carter."
I heard nothing for awhile and Judy came in to the room again. She smiled and walked to me in such a graceful way. I could almost believe that she might be a real goddess that time.
"Are you hungry?"
I didn't answer. Only stared.
She didn't give up. "Are there anything that you want? A glass of water maybe?"
"M..mommy." I finally said. My voice was so dry that it came out as a whisper. A whisper of desperation.
"Where's my mom?"
2 commented
Noel It was the night before Christmas Eve, 1996.
I was trying to sleep when I heard a loud banging and screaming - the voice that I once thought came from my deepest and darkest nightmare. Not again, I rolled over under my big blanket, the one with a Santa Claus and his Reindeer flying through the clear night sky. I used to dream about him, about Father Christmas. If only I could catch him putting my present under the tree at Christmas Eve, I would certainly beg him to take me for a ride with him in his full-of-presents chariot and fly in the sky, between the stars and moon. It'd be really-really nice. I can take Ms. BrigitBee too.
The banging and screaming again. I sighed, tried to cover up my ears but it do me no good at all. It's almost Christmas, why should nightmare show up in this time of days? December was a joyous month, full of festivity and happiness. I should be having a sweet dreams.
I hugged my Hippopotamus doll, Ms.BrigitBee and closed my eyes tightly, trying to hushed that evil sound in my nightmares. Grandma had once taught me to pray whenever nightmares came to me in the middle of the night. I tried that, but it's not working. I'm still hearing the sound of my nightmare. I gave up then, I tried other alternatives. I imagined how festive my birthday would be. It's only a week away before my 6th birthday and I really can't wait for it. Mom is the best baker in the world and I've requested her to bake me a chocolate-strawberry cake.
"Honey?" Someone open the doors, my mom. "Are you asleep yet?
Her voice was somehow coarse. I opened my eyes and saw her walking to me in such a hurry. "No, mom. I have nightmares again. I can't sleep."
She smiled weakly and ran her smooth fingers between each strands of my dark-chesnut-brown hair. I barely heard her whispered the word, "Sorry."
"Mom, what happened? Are you crying?" I got up from my bed and reached for her face. I saw a little bit of tears there. "Are you having nightmares too?"
"I guess I am."
"Are you afraid, mom?"
"No, I am not." Then she got up and walked to my closet. "Packed your things, honey. We're going someplace tonight."
"Tonight? But, why?"
"Just.. packed up your things, okay? Don't forget to bring Ms.BrigitBee too. You certainly don't want to leave her behind in our trip." She made that sound final, so I nodded and get out of my bed, still in pajamas, hugging Ms.BrigitBee. As I was trying to choose what stuff to bring, I saw mom busy packing my clothes.
"Mommy?" I called, "Where are we going?"
"Nvebraska." She didn't pause and kept packing my clothes in my small pink luggage, "Remember? It's the small town we visited last Summer."
I heard some zipping sound and found out that Mommy has finished packing up my things. "Okay, so you wait here, okay? Mommy will be back in a second. Go get your coat and then, we'll go right away."
"Okay, mom." I nodded obediently.
And with that, my mom rushed out of my door - half running.
I was trying to sleep when I heard a loud banging and screaming - the voice that I once thought came from my deepest and darkest nightmare. Not again, I rolled over under my big blanket, the one with a Santa Claus and his Reindeer flying through the clear night sky. I used to dream about him, about Father Christmas. If only I could catch him putting my present under the tree at Christmas Eve, I would certainly beg him to take me for a ride with him in his full-of-presents chariot and fly in the sky, between the stars and moon. It'd be really-really nice. I can take Ms. BrigitBee too.
The banging and screaming again. I sighed, tried to cover up my ears but it do me no good at all. It's almost Christmas, why should nightmare show up in this time of days? December was a joyous month, full of festivity and happiness. I should be having a sweet dreams.
I hugged my Hippopotamus doll, Ms.BrigitBee and closed my eyes tightly, trying to hushed that evil sound in my nightmares. Grandma had once taught me to pray whenever nightmares came to me in the middle of the night. I tried that, but it's not working. I'm still hearing the sound of my nightmare. I gave up then, I tried other alternatives. I imagined how festive my birthday would be. It's only a week away before my 6th birthday and I really can't wait for it. Mom is the best baker in the world and I've requested her to bake me a chocolate-strawberry cake.
"Honey?" Someone open the doors, my mom. "Are you asleep yet?
Her voice was somehow coarse. I opened my eyes and saw her walking to me in such a hurry. "No, mom. I have nightmares again. I can't sleep."
She smiled weakly and ran her smooth fingers between each strands of my dark-chesnut-brown hair. I barely heard her whispered the word, "Sorry."
"Mom, what happened? Are you crying?" I got up from my bed and reached for her face. I saw a little bit of tears there. "Are you having nightmares too?"
"I guess I am."
"Are you afraid, mom?"
"No, I am not." Then she got up and walked to my closet. "Packed your things, honey. We're going someplace tonight."
"Tonight? But, why?"
"Just.. packed up your things, okay? Don't forget to bring Ms.BrigitBee too. You certainly don't want to leave her behind in our trip." She made that sound final, so I nodded and get out of my bed, still in pajamas, hugging Ms.BrigitBee. As I was trying to choose what stuff to bring, I saw mom busy packing my clothes.
"Mommy?" I called, "Where are we going?"
"Nvebraska." She didn't pause and kept packing my clothes in my small pink luggage, "Remember? It's the small town we visited last Summer."
I heard some zipping sound and found out that Mommy has finished packing up my things. "Okay, so you wait here, okay? Mommy will be back in a second. Go get your coat and then, we'll go right away."
"Okay, mom." I nodded obediently.
And with that, my mom rushed out of my door - half running.
* * *
"Mom, where's Dad? Why isn't he coming with us?" I looked around, trying to find where Daddy was.
"Oh, he can't go with us, Izzie. He got some work to do." She said as she put all those bags in the back of the car.
"So, Daddy's not joining us tomorrow? But, it's Christmas Eve, mommy."
"I know, sweetie." She closed the doors and turned to me, looking right through me in the eyes and said, "He's a busy man."
"It won't be the same without him."
Mom sighed and opened the door for me, "I know. Now, jump in and buckle up. We're leaving now."
"Oh, he can't go with us, Izzie. He got some work to do." She said as she put all those bags in the back of the car.
"So, Daddy's not joining us tomorrow? But, it's Christmas Eve, mommy."
"I know, sweetie." She closed the doors and turned to me, looking right through me in the eyes and said, "He's a busy man."
"It won't be the same without him."
Mom sighed and opened the door for me, "I know. Now, jump in and buckle up. We're leaving now."
* * *
I looked behind as the car was moving in the darkness, taking up the last glimpse of my house. I'm not going to be there in Christmas. Did Father Christmas know that I'm going on a vacation to Nvebraska?
"Isabelle, sit nicely."
I did that and laid on my back, watching all the houses in my neighborhood passed by and all that I could see was decorative lights of so many colors in porches, statue of Father Christmas and his Reindeer, Snowmen, and snows. I've just realized that it's snowing.
I whispered silently to Ms.BrigitBee who was sitting in my lap. "See, Ms.Bee? It's snowing. It must be cold out there. You're lucky, I bring your coat with us."
But Ms. BrigitBee didn't respond. Only the chorus of "Twelve Day of Christmas" from the local radio station answered my words. Mom didn't say a word since we left the house so, after "Twelve Day of Christmas" was over, "The Christmas Song" filled the air in the car and I was soon asleep.
No nightmares.
But it was because the worst nightmare had yet to come.
"Isabelle, sit nicely."
I did that and laid on my back, watching all the houses in my neighborhood passed by and all that I could see was decorative lights of so many colors in porches, statue of Father Christmas and his Reindeer, Snowmen, and snows. I've just realized that it's snowing.
I whispered silently to Ms.BrigitBee who was sitting in my lap. "See, Ms.Bee? It's snowing. It must be cold out there. You're lucky, I bring your coat with us."
But Ms. BrigitBee didn't respond. Only the chorus of "Twelve Day of Christmas" from the local radio station answered my words. Mom didn't say a word since we left the house so, after "Twelve Day of Christmas" was over, "The Christmas Song" filled the air in the car and I was soon asleep.
No nightmares.
But it was because the worst nightmare had yet to come.
* * *
I didn't know how long I was asleep.
But I did know this. I was awaken. By a loud and deafening sound, and a blinding light.
And then there's a loud banging, crashing and I felt like I was being thrown here and there inside the car. Tumbling. I heard myself screaming.
Mom? Ms.Bee?
I screamed louder. Louder than I ever could. The tumbling didn't stop.
And then, it was total darkness.
But I did know this. I was awaken. By a loud and deafening sound, and a blinding light.
And then there's a loud banging, crashing and I felt like I was being thrown here and there inside the car. Tumbling. I heard myself screaming.
Mom? Ms.Bee?
I screamed louder. Louder than I ever could. The tumbling didn't stop.
And then, it was total darkness.
Author's note:
This is fiction. So all of the characters, places, it's all purely fictional.
Originally made by me :)
This is fiction. So all of the characters, places, it's all purely fictional.
Originally made by me :)
1 commented
Salut D'Amour (III) "Apa maksudmu aku tidak tersenyum?"
Miyamori Miki memiringkan kepalanya. Kedua manik matanya menatap Tsujimaru Seiichiro, sang pianis pemilik mata syahdu yang tersembunyi di balik kacamata milik yang dikenakannya - membuat perawakannya terlihat inteligen sekaligus menawan.
Tanda tanya yang besar tersirat dari raut wajah Miki. Ia tidak biasa bermain tebak-tebakan dan kini Tsujimaru Seiichiro yang hanya tersenyum saja padanya hanya membuatnya semakin bingung.
Tidak tersenyum? Bukankah jelas-jelas ia baru saja tersenyum? Miki dapat merasakan otot-otot yang menarik kedua ujung bibirnya terangkat. Ia tersenyum. "Aku tersenyum."
"Tidak, Miyamori-san." Seiichiro menggeleng pelan, tak menatap lawan bicaranya.
Tangan kiri Seiichiro bergerak perlahan, menekan beberapa tuts piano secara menyamping dan senyum kecil terkembang di bibir tipisnya. Seiichiro menoleh, "Miyamori-san, katakan padaku."
Miki mengangkat wajahnya, rasa penasaran menyelimuti pikirannya. Sang pianis yang selama ini hanya bisa ia kagumi dari jauh kini berada hanya beberapa kaki di depannya.
"Apa yang membuatmu tetap bertahan?"
"Apa maksudmu?"
"Seminggu. Selama seminggu, kau terus berdiri di pojok - mendengarkan. Apa yang membuatmu tetap bertahan mendengar apa yang kumainkan?"
Miki terdiam. Rasa takut akan kehilangan melodi musim panas menyelimuti pikirannya. "Apa ini berarti aku tidak boleh melihatmu bermain?"
Tetapi berbeda dengan perkiraan Miki, Tsujimaru Seiichiro hanya tertawa. "Aku hanya ingin tahu alasanmu, Miyamori Miki."
"Aku..," Miki tidak yakin bagaimana harus memulainya. Sejak pertama kali ia mendengar melodi yang dimainkan oleh Tsujimaru-san, Miki tak bisa melepaskannya. Seakan hal tersebut adalah hal yang selama ini ia cari. Melodi yang ia nantikan.
"Aku tak tahu."
"Kau tak tahu?"
"Aku hanya merasa.... permainanmu adalah inti dari musim panasku kali ini, Tsujimaru-san." dan Miki tersenyum. "Kau tahu, seperti sudah sejak lama aku menantikan seseorang dengan permainan sepertimu dan akhirnya, aku menemukannya."
Laki-laki tersebut terdiam. Tatapannya mengisyaratkan Miki untuk melanjutkan.
"Tolong jangan berhenti bermain, Tsujimaru-san."
"Boleh aku minta tolong suatu hal kepadamu?" Seiichiro menangkap Miki tepat di matanya, mengunci pandangannya. Hanya satu yang ia mau untuk saat ini.
"Jangan pernah berhenti tersenyum kepadaku, Miki-chan."
Miyamori Miki memiringkan kepalanya. Kedua manik matanya menatap Tsujimaru Seiichiro, sang pianis pemilik mata syahdu yang tersembunyi di balik kacamata milik yang dikenakannya - membuat perawakannya terlihat inteligen sekaligus menawan.
Tanda tanya yang besar tersirat dari raut wajah Miki. Ia tidak biasa bermain tebak-tebakan dan kini Tsujimaru Seiichiro yang hanya tersenyum saja padanya hanya membuatnya semakin bingung.
Tidak tersenyum? Bukankah jelas-jelas ia baru saja tersenyum? Miki dapat merasakan otot-otot yang menarik kedua ujung bibirnya terangkat. Ia tersenyum. "Aku tersenyum."
"Tidak, Miyamori-san." Seiichiro menggeleng pelan, tak menatap lawan bicaranya.
Tangan kiri Seiichiro bergerak perlahan, menekan beberapa tuts piano secara menyamping dan senyum kecil terkembang di bibir tipisnya. Seiichiro menoleh, "Miyamori-san, katakan padaku."
Miki mengangkat wajahnya, rasa penasaran menyelimuti pikirannya. Sang pianis yang selama ini hanya bisa ia kagumi dari jauh kini berada hanya beberapa kaki di depannya.
"Apa yang membuatmu tetap bertahan?"
"Apa maksudmu?"
"Seminggu. Selama seminggu, kau terus berdiri di pojok - mendengarkan. Apa yang membuatmu tetap bertahan mendengar apa yang kumainkan?"
Miki terdiam. Rasa takut akan kehilangan melodi musim panas menyelimuti pikirannya. "Apa ini berarti aku tidak boleh melihatmu bermain?"
Tetapi berbeda dengan perkiraan Miki, Tsujimaru Seiichiro hanya tertawa. "Aku hanya ingin tahu alasanmu, Miyamori Miki."
"Aku..," Miki tidak yakin bagaimana harus memulainya. Sejak pertama kali ia mendengar melodi yang dimainkan oleh Tsujimaru-san, Miki tak bisa melepaskannya. Seakan hal tersebut adalah hal yang selama ini ia cari. Melodi yang ia nantikan.
"Aku tak tahu."
"Kau tak tahu?"
"Aku hanya merasa.... permainanmu adalah inti dari musim panasku kali ini, Tsujimaru-san." dan Miki tersenyum. "Kau tahu, seperti sudah sejak lama aku menantikan seseorang dengan permainan sepertimu dan akhirnya, aku menemukannya."
Laki-laki tersebut terdiam. Tatapannya mengisyaratkan Miki untuk melanjutkan.
"Tolong jangan berhenti bermain, Tsujimaru-san."
"Boleh aku minta tolong suatu hal kepadamu?" Seiichiro menangkap Miki tepat di matanya, mengunci pandangannya. Hanya satu yang ia mau untuk saat ini.
"Jangan pernah berhenti tersenyum kepadaku, Miki-chan."
(to be continued...)
0 commented
Collide (IV) Apa yang dilakukan Jared disini? Di tempat ini?
Aku hampir tak mempercayai penglihatanku. Jared yang (biasa) hanya bisa ku lihat dari jauh, sekarang berdiri beberapa kaki di hadapanku. Jantungku tak hanya berdebar begitu keras, tetapi juga terselip rasa sakit.
Seperti ada sesuatu yang menghantam hatimu, begitu keras sehingga menyisakan sebuah rasa sakit yang luar biasa sampai pada titik kau tidak bisa bernafas dan membuat dirimu lemah, sehingga kau berpikir bahwa berdiri adalah hal yang tidak mungkin. Sakit sekali.
Jared tak berkata-kata dan hanya menatapku. Diam bagiku bukanlah hal yang asing, tapi baru kali ini aku merasa diam begitu menyiksa.
Aku ingin membuka mulut, bertanya, tapi tidak bisa. Sama seperti biasanya. Aku hanya bisa diam. Lidahku begitu kelu. Aku menatapnya dan sekali lagi, sama seperti setiap saat, Jared selalu menimbulkan efek yang sama bagiku.
Hatiku terasa seperti dihantam oleh sesuatu, begitu keras, begitu menyakitkan. Aku tidak bisa terus-terusan berada disini.
Tepat ketika aku berbalik, hendak kembali ke lapangan football, sesuatu yang dingin menyentuh pergelangan tanganku dan menarikku kembali.
"Jared. Kau mau apa?" Aku berusaha melepaskan cengkramannya di pergelangan tanganku, tapi tak bisa. Di balik tangannya yang begitu dingin, cengkraman Jared begitu kuat dan ia mendorongku hingga punggungku menabrak loker yang terasa begitu dingin. "Jared!"
Aku tidak bisa merasakan apa-apa selain debaran jantungku yang begitu keras dan tangan dingin Jared pada pergelangan tanganku. Jared tak berkata apa-apa, hanya diam menunduk dan menatapku.
"Sejak kapan?" akhirnya, setelah hening yang terasa begitu lama, Jared membuka suara.
"Excuse me?"
"Sudah lama, aku tidak pernah melihatmu tersenyum lagi. Apa kau bahagia... dengannya?"
Apa maksudmu? Kau pikir semua ini gara-gara siapa? "Jared. Berhenti bersikap seperti ini." Aku ingin terdengar tegas, tapi aku tak bisa. Posisi Jared yang begitu dekat dengan wajahku, membuatku merasa lemah.
"Allison." Mata Jared menatapku dalam-dalam, dan aku tak berkutik. Ada sesuatu dalam mata Jared, sesuatu yang tak biasanya pada mata dinginnya. Seperti ia mencari sesuatu yang hilang, tetapi ia tak tahu apa itu.
Aku hampir tak mempercayai penglihatanku. Jared yang (biasa) hanya bisa ku lihat dari jauh, sekarang berdiri beberapa kaki di hadapanku. Jantungku tak hanya berdebar begitu keras, tetapi juga terselip rasa sakit.
Seperti ada sesuatu yang menghantam hatimu, begitu keras sehingga menyisakan sebuah rasa sakit yang luar biasa sampai pada titik kau tidak bisa bernafas dan membuat dirimu lemah, sehingga kau berpikir bahwa berdiri adalah hal yang tidak mungkin. Sakit sekali.
Jared tak berkata-kata dan hanya menatapku. Diam bagiku bukanlah hal yang asing, tapi baru kali ini aku merasa diam begitu menyiksa.
Aku ingin membuka mulut, bertanya, tapi tidak bisa. Sama seperti biasanya. Aku hanya bisa diam. Lidahku begitu kelu. Aku menatapnya dan sekali lagi, sama seperti setiap saat, Jared selalu menimbulkan efek yang sama bagiku.
Hatiku terasa seperti dihantam oleh sesuatu, begitu keras, begitu menyakitkan. Aku tidak bisa terus-terusan berada disini.
Tepat ketika aku berbalik, hendak kembali ke lapangan football, sesuatu yang dingin menyentuh pergelangan tanganku dan menarikku kembali.
"Jared. Kau mau apa?" Aku berusaha melepaskan cengkramannya di pergelangan tanganku, tapi tak bisa. Di balik tangannya yang begitu dingin, cengkraman Jared begitu kuat dan ia mendorongku hingga punggungku menabrak loker yang terasa begitu dingin. "Jared!"
Aku tidak bisa merasakan apa-apa selain debaran jantungku yang begitu keras dan tangan dingin Jared pada pergelangan tanganku. Jared tak berkata apa-apa, hanya diam menunduk dan menatapku.
"Sejak kapan?" akhirnya, setelah hening yang terasa begitu lama, Jared membuka suara.
"Excuse me?"
"Sudah lama, aku tidak pernah melihatmu tersenyum lagi. Apa kau bahagia... dengannya?"
Apa maksudmu? Kau pikir semua ini gara-gara siapa? "Jared. Berhenti bersikap seperti ini." Aku ingin terdengar tegas, tapi aku tak bisa. Posisi Jared yang begitu dekat dengan wajahku, membuatku merasa lemah.
"Allison." Mata Jared menatapku dalam-dalam, dan aku tak berkutik. Ada sesuatu dalam mata Jared, sesuatu yang tak biasanya pada mata dinginnya. Seperti ia mencari sesuatu yang hilang, tetapi ia tak tahu apa itu.
Aku menghela nafas, hendak berkata-kata. Tapi, bahkan sebelum hal itu sempat kulakukan, Jared membungkam semuanya. Ia menunduk dan menciumku, lembut.
Satu hal yang tak pernah kubayangkan.
Segala rasa seperti berkumpul di perutku. Aku tidak pernah membayangkan first kiss-ku akan seperti ini. Di hallway yang sepi, dengan Jared. Aku tak pernah berani memimpikan hal itu sebelumnya. Tapi, hari ini hal itu benar-benar terjadi.
Untuk sesaat aku lupa dengan segalanya. Jared menciumku seperti tak ada lagi hari esok, seperti... ya, seperti ia mencintaiku. Tapi, aku tahu mimpi tersebut segera berakhir ketika Jared menarik dirinya.
"Kenapa?" tanyaku. Suaraku bergetar, aku sendiri tak yakin mengapa. "Kenapa kau terus menerus melakukan ini padaku, Jared? Kenapa kau tidak pernah melepaskanku? Kau sendiri yang mengatakan kau tak pernah menginginkanku. Kenapa?"
Jared berpaling, tidak ingin menatap mataku dan aku melepaskan cengkramannya pada tanganku. "Berhenti bermain, Jared. Kau tidak pernah menginginkanku, jadi tolong lepaskan aku. Aku bukan mainanmu. Tolong biarkan aku bersama Gaspard."
Aku berbalik dan berlari, secepat mungkin yang kubisa.
Di situ, di tengah kesunyian, di tengah gelapnya hallway, Jared terdiam. Melihat sosok yang begitu familier baginya berlari, berlari dari dirinya. "Karena aku tidak bisa, Allison. Tidak pernah bisa." gumamnya, bersamaan dengan teriakan kemenangan The Lions.
(to be continued...)
Her favourite Indonesian Authors are Sitta Karina and Ilana Tan. 
The Tsujimarus.
